"You and me, we open our own shop. I run New York, you run London. We meet in the Caymans once a month to visit our money!" - PROOF OF LIFE

Monday, September 18

New home for Internet awesome

Hi there Caruso fans. I have been very busy shooting the newest season of CSI:Miami in the sexiest place on Earth, BRAZIL!!!! That's why I haven't updated this bitch in months.

So for all of you who continue to seek enlightenment at this address, be aware that I have passed the baton to my new best friend, Dr. Don't Know, at his brand new blog, the BOOSTER SHOT:

Click here for the awesome.

All my awesome links will be there, too, so update your browser shortcuts immediately. If you're still not convinced, here is a picture of my successor:

Enough said. Caruso out.

Saturday, April 22

International Cricket Highlights

I don't understand the sport of cricket whatsoever, but I saw an interesting headline recently and did a little investigating. Apparently in a match between Australia and Bangladesh, an unheralded player named Jason Gillespie stunned the cricket world by scoring a rare "double century".

I'm going to try and translate this into baseball terms as cleanly as I can, although it's not easy. Gillespie was in the lineup as the "nightwatchman", a player whose job is to keep the game going long enough that it will be called off for the night, and thus save his team's best batsmen for tomorrow's action. It's a delaying strategy that is a bit controversial in the world of cricket. I suppose it's sort of like putting a weak contact hitter at the 9 spot in a baseball lineup to foul off a lot of pitches, so that the top of the order can get a good feel for the opposing pitcher. He'll probably end up sending a weak grounder to second base, but at least the big bats will know what's coming when their time comes.

Now imagine our weak hitter, only in the lineup to foul off pitches, ends up hitting three grand slams in one game. That's sort of what happened in Bangladesh the other day. Gillespie managed to smack ball after ball into the field, scoring 201 points and breaking the rare "double century" barrier. For reference, cricket's best batsman ever, the veritable Babe Ruth of cricket - Australian Donald Bradman - only broke 300 twice during his career, and many great cricketers never break 100 in a single game.

In a spin … with shock etched across his face, nightwatchman Jason Gillespie celebrates his incredible double ton.
Double century on your ass, Bangladesh!

The Sydney Morning Herald has some interesting moments from the game:

"IT WAS so unthinkable that even the man himself could only shake his head and utter a few incredulous expletives.

Australia's topsy-turvy tour of Bangladesh turned in the ultimate twist on Wednesday when an incredible double century to Jason Gillespie propelled the tourists towards a mountainous lead and a series whitewash.

"This is ridiculous," Gillespie said afterwards. "I was just lucky that the shots came off and I had a bit of a laugh all the way. It's unbelievable. It's a fairytale really. Hansel and Gretel and Dizzy's double hundred, it's one and the same. Absolute fairytale."


For a man who appears so awkward at the crease as he hunches over his bat, his sixes were absurdly audacious. He went down on one knee to loft Abdur Razzak straight over his head and then smacked part-timer Rajin Saleh into the crowd over mid-wicket.

"Considering Jason hadn't made a hundred in any form of cricket, it was an amazing innings," said Australian coach John Buchanan."

Apparently Gillespie didn't just have a career day, he extracted a humilating IOU from one of his teammates:

"Michael Hussey, with whom Gillespie shared a 320-run fourth-wicket partnership, said: "He knew every Test player and former Test player's highest score and was ticking them off. Went past Mark Waugh [153], he told me that. Went past Michael Clarke [151], he told me that. Went past Steve Waugh [200]."

Gillespie added: "And Boonie [200]." Hussey said: "I think it was a real testament to his concentration, really, to be able to bat for so long. Especially since he's not a recognised batsman as such. So that was quite a bit of motivation for me to keep going as well because I didn't want to be outdone by Diz. And also Matty Hayden had a bit of a bet with Diz as well."

Gillespie: "He [Matthew Hayden] reckoned he's going to do a nude run of the oval if I got 200...Not sure about that one, being in a Muslim country, I don't think it'll be perceived right...""

At the end of a crazy day, Gillespie's coach was left with nothing but admiration for the nightwatchman-turned-star.

""For any batsman, particularly a nightwatchman, to sustain an innings of over 400 balls is something we may never see again."

Selector Merv Hughes agreed. "You have to be here to believe it," he said. "People back home are going to wonder how he did it. But he thoroughly deserved it. He was a picture of concentration and control and like any good batsman, he knew his limitations and strengths.""

Friday, April 21

Sheen gets a divorce court smackdown

Gossip hounds of the world have no doubt heard the latest from the fiery Charlie Sheen-Denise Richards divorce. Apparently, Christmas Jones has decided to go nuclear on her soon-to-be ex-husband, unleashing the dogs of war with a series of accusations labeling Sheen as a drug fiend, degenerate gambler, spousal abuser, and kiddy porn addict. Let's go to the People magazine roundup for more:

"Charlie Sheen has been ordered by a judge to stay away from his estranged wife, Denise Richards.

Sheen was ordered on Friday to stay at least 300 feet from Richards, her home, her car and their two daughters except during supervised visits with the kids, according to court documents filed in Los Angeles Superior Court.

The judge granted Sheen one-day-per-week visits with 2-year-old Sam and 10-month-old Lola and scheduled another hearing for May 12.

In court papers filed Friday, Richards claimed that her Sheen threatened to kill her.

"I am filing now because I can no longer accept (Sheen's) abusive and threatening manner and must stop him from the cycle of his abuse toward me and our children and his continued threats of violence and statements that he is going to kill me," Richards, 35, said in the papers.

Judge: Charlie Stay Away from Denise | Denise Richards, Charlie Sheen
Wow, you both look awful.

In her 17-page filing, Richards said that Sheen's gambling, pill-popping and violent mood swings led to their initial separation last year.

Among her allegations: That Sheen abused prescription drugs after the 2004 birth of their first daughter, Sam, and told Richards "I 'better not tell anybody about his using these drugs and better keep it to myself.' I understood by these statements that (he) would physically harm me and our baby."

Say what? I don't see any threats to kill a baby implicit in that statement!

"Richards also claimed that on the way to the hospital for the birth of their daughter Lola last year, Sheen placed a gambling bet by phone, and was checking his pager for the results as she was wheeled into surgery for her C-section.

Things turned violent on Dec. 27, 2005, according to the papers, when Sheen allegedly hit Richards's wrist and shoved her in the stomach after she confronted him about pornography Web sites featuring "very young girls" that he'd been visiting. She claims Sheen told her that "if I revealed anything about his lifestyle, 'You won't lay your head down at night.' I understood this to mean that he would kill me."

Several days later, she claimed Sheen pushed her over while she was holding Lola and "said to me that he was going to have me killed."

In his own filing, Sheen, 40, has denied claims that he threatened and hit Richards on Dec. 27 and 30, saying, "I deny having engaged in any such conduct."

In a statement issued by Richards's rep on Friday, the actress said, "I am disappointed that the situation has deteriorated to the point that it has become necessary to seek the assistance of the court. However, my primary concern is and always has been the welfare of the children and this action today was taken to ensure their safety as well as mine."

Sheen issued a statement of his own on Friday, calling Richards's allegations "a most obvious immature and transparent smear campaign designed to hurt, embarrass and ultimately extort me."

The statement continued, "I deeply regret (that) her response to my request for the court to decide what’s best for our children has taken the form of baseless allegations that I deny. For the sake of my children, I am electing not to reciprocate in kind.”

Richards originally filed for divorce in March of last year, when she was six months pregnant with Lola. The pair appeared to briefly reconcile after Lola's birth in June, but on Jan. 4, they requested that their divorce proceed with a private arbitrator."

The E! Online report (you have to love Sarah Hall) contains this nugget that People somehow failed to include:

"In her filing, Richards alleged that during their reconciliation last year, she discovered that Sheen had been visiting pornography Websites, featuring "very young girls, who looked underage to me, with pigtails, braces, no pubic hair, performing oral sex with each other," as well as sites "involving gay pornography also involving very young men who also did not look like adults."

She claimed she also learned that Sheen "had a madam" and belonged to several sex search sites on which he emailed pictures of "his erect penis" to prospective female partners. When she confronted him about his various Internet activities, she said he did not deny it, but told her to "go f--k [her]self." "

Denise, you JUST found out that Charlie Sheen likes prostitutes and sordid, casual sex? Were you subjected to some sort of pop-culture memory wipe after you met him? Does the name "Heidi Fleiss" mean nothing to you?

And as far as the pornography goes, I am certain that the actors were not underage. They just look that way to an rapidly aging "actress" like yourself. I bet you think the starlets who are getting all the parts you used to snare are underaged too, right, Denise?

I'm not saying Charlie Sheen is a saint, but your kids are composed half his DNA, woman. It's one thing to air the dirty laundry, but I have no respect for the way Denise Richards is embellishing the truth with "I understood that to mean" and "Looked underage to me"...

Thursday, April 20

The End of Ken

I was slow off the mark with the Culture posting that should have run yesterday; but I don't feel bad about it, because today an awesome piece ran in the LA Times that is better than anything I would have posted a day ago. Without much further ado I'm going to run this awesome Op-Ed in its entirety; it's written by Dean Johnson, a high school teacher and adjunct college professor from New Jersey, and it's entitled "Hey, doll, you need a real man".

(One piece of background information, for those of you who didn't hear when Mattel announced it two years ago: Barbie and Ken broke up.)

"YOU CAN DRESS him up any way you want. Change his appearance to make him look like Orlando Bloom, Johnny Depp or even John Wayne. Tough boy, homeboy, cowboy. It doesn't matter. Ken is still a castrated man.

Ken has always lived in the shadow of the venerable girl next door. He is an afterthought, known for nothing but being a mere accessory, sold separately. Mattel is trying to bring him back after a hiatus, but with a lobotomized grin and submissive gaze, he is the epitome of role reversal. While Barbie has been a regular career gal with a plethora of jobs — doctor, lawyer, flight attendant — Ken seems to be nothing but a foppish playboy, a passenger in the dream car of life.

Generations of girls have had the opportunity to learn how to manipulate and emasculate the male species by not only giving Ken their own feminine qualities but by allowing Ken to be totally dominated by Barbie. But is that what women really want?

Nice package, Ken, too bad it's the only one you've got...

When I was growing up, the girls in my neighborhood all played with Barbie dolls; that category included Ken. We boys would not be caught dead playing with dolls. Even on a rainy Saturday afternoon when no other guys were around, boys couldn't stand to be around their sisters' Barbies.

We boys did not play with dolls. We played with action figures, and Ken was no action figure.

Action figures were real men: Geronimo, Gen. Custer, GI Joe. They were made from hard plastic and had cool things like a Kung Fu grip. Every nick, scratch, scrape and dent in the plastic was a badge of honor. Ken was soft plastic with shorts even your father wouldn't wear. And he had accessories of his own: shoes, tennis racket, skates. Our action figures had accessories too. But while Ken's accessories reflected Barbie's interests, our action figures had rifles, handguns, knives and bows and arrows.

We'd take these action figures out on wild, dangerous and great adventures, inside and outside the house. There was war and crime and survival against nature. We once took Ken with us on one of these adventures. He was abducted by one of my friends from his sister's bedroom. His arm fell off the first time he jumped out of a tree and hit the sidewalk. As mad as my friend's sister was when she found Ken under her bed, armless as well as headless — we thought it funnier that way — she and her friends always seemed to want to play with us guys whenever we were having action-figure adventures.

A block from my house sat an empty lot filled with soft sand, where we could create forts and tunnels for our guys. The lot was sometimes the Sahara Desert and at other times served as the barren tundra.

Once in a while the girls would come onto the lot when we boys were there. They would bring their Barbies and, when we refused to let them play, they'd start to play right next to us, claiming we didn't own the lot and if we boys bothered them, they'd tell. So we'd endure their presence. From time to time there was some crossover. It was usually GI Joe, who always seemed to have an eye for the dames.

And Ken was nowhere in sight. Ken, it seemed, was far less interesting than any of our action figures because Ken was someone girls could talk to, go shopping with, sip tea with; our guys were independent, unpredictable, tough. I wonder what girl didn't drop Ken for GI Joe.

Several years ago, when my daughter was still steeped in Barbie play, I pulled my GI Joe out from my tub of old stuff that sits in the basement. His "realistic" hair was worn down on top, not unlike my own bald spot, and one boot was missing, but, other than that, he was in decent shape — he even had his dog tag.

The moment I handed him to my daughter, the synthetic soldier was immediately thrust into a relationship — I remember sitting through at least one wedding. Ken, who had arrived at our house at the same time Barbie did, was nowhere to be found. In fact, today, up on a shelf above her desk, sits Barbie with GI Joe by her side. Ken, I believe, is packed away in a storage container somewhere in the basement.

Although it is popularly assumed that Barbie will be getting back together with her once-beau Ken, I believe she could do a lot better. So could future generations of women."

Tuesday, April 18

General Discontent

Howard Kurtz has a good piece today on the recent surge in Rumsfeld-hate by a number of retired generals.

"Ever since one general spoke to Time last week and The Washington Post fronted the story of others who were coming out from under the cone of silence, the controversy has been huge. Liberals rejoiced, conservatives counterattacked, and thumbsuckers pondered What It All Means.

The story has gained considerable altitude because it's a new front in the war over the war, and because of the novelty of career military men calling for the head of Don Rumsfeld. President Bush's full-throated defense of Rummy late Friday gave the debate an extra boost going into Easter weekend."

My personal opinion is that Rumsfeld has needed to go for a long time. A competent President would demand that the man who is running his war effort into the ground pay the price for his incompetence. Bill Clinton, for example, wisely canned Les Aspin after the "Black Hawk Down" debacle. But despite the myriad mistakes of the Defense Department vis-a-vis Iraq (drawing down troops in Afghanistan, putting soldiers in unarmored Humvees instead of tanks, failing to anticipate the insurgency, forcing soldiers to purchase their own body armor, dissolving the Iraqi army, etc., etc.) GWB is still standing by his man. Even Rummy thinks he should be toast by now - it's been over a year since he tried to resign twice, only to be rebuffed. And now that the heat is on, it's a virtual certainty he won't be ousted. After all, the stubborn President refuses to let the public's opinion effect his policies.

Why should anyone be able to question Bush? Remember, he's a "war president"!

But back to Kurtz' report.

"Then you have all these sub-arguments: Should retired generals be speaking out at all? Why didn't they say anything sooner? Are they just a bunch of Clinton-appointed hacks who didn't like Rummy's attempts to reform the Pentagon, or are they speaking for many active-duty types who can't challenge the commander-in-chief without facing court-martial? Do they validate what outside critics have been saying about the bungling of the war and the occupation? Or are they shooting at the wrong guy, in that Rumsfeld has basically been carrying out Bush's policies?"

My two cents: Yes, they were chicken like most everyone else, probably yes AND yes, a big yes, and no. I'm not clearing President Bush for the disastrous Iraq policy, but it's not as if Rumsfeld is just a meek and powerless functionary. He had a vision for the 21st century military. Apparently he should get his eyes checked.

The WSJ editorial page says the critics are off base:

"But that is for the historians to sort out. What matters now is doing what it takes to prevail in Iraq, setting up a new government and defeating the terrorists. How firing Mr. Rumsfeld will help in any of this, none of the critics say. They certainly aren't offering any better military strategy for victory.

More than likely, Mr. Rumsfeld's departure would create new problems, starting with a crisis of confidence in Iraq about American staying power. What do Mr. Rumsfeld's critics imagine Iraqis think as they watch former commanders assigning blame? And how would a Rumsfeld resignation contribute to the credible threat of force necessary to meet America's next major security challenge, which is Iran's attempt to build a nuclear bomb? Sacking the Defense Secretary mid-conflict would only reinforce the Iranian mullahs' belief that they have nothing to worry about because Americans have no stomach for a prolonged engagement in their part of the world."

I could not be less swayed by the argument that demanding accountability among our leaders is a mistake because it shows weakness to the enemy. I have so many problems with this editorial it's hard to know where to start.

(1) Maybe there IS no way to prevail in Iraq. The Shiites have no interest in forming a coalition government, the Sunnis have no intention of laying down their arms. Isn't it possible our invasion just created a massive snafu that *cannot* be fixed, no matter how many lives or dollars we lay down to do so? (2) Referring to the insurgency as "the terrorists" is utterly misleading. I'm not saying I think they're "Heroic Freedom Fighters" or anything, but it's all part of the Grand Neoconservative Effort to conflate the "War on Terror" with the Iraq war. Anyone with half a brain knows one of these things is not like the other. Besides, insurgencies are messy affairs, and it's not a reach to call many of the Colonial tactics in the American Revolutionary War "terrorist strikes". (3) Who cares what Iraqis think about Rumsfeld? Do we have to base all our domestic political decisions on what Iraqis think? Can't vote the GOP out of power in Congress, the Iraqis might think the American public doesn't support the war, and we can't have that! The Iraqis mustn't lose hope! Geez, we better figure out a way to keep Bush in power for another term, wouldn't want the Iraqis to feel blue! (4) Guess what, WSJ editorial page goons: Americans DON'T have a stomach for a prolonged engagement in the Middle East. In fact, unless we are directly provoked, we have NEVER had the stomach for a prolonged engagement of any kind. Read your history books.

As usual, the Washington Post is much more my speed.

"PRESIDENT BUSH'S stubborn support for Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld has compounded U.S. troubles in Iraq, prevented a remedy for the criminal mistreatment of foreign detainees and worsened relations with a host of allies. Now it is deepening the domestic political hole in which the president is mired. Half a dozen senior retired generals have publicly criticized Mr. Rumsfeld, touching off another damaging and distracting controversy at a critical moment in the war. Thanks in part to his previous misjudgments, Mr. Bush has no easy way out.

Mr. Bush would have been wise to accept Mr. Rumsfeld's resignation when he offered it nearly two years ago. At that time it was clear that the defense secretary was directly responsible for the policy of abuse toward detainees that resulted in the shocking Abu Ghraib photographs, as well as far worse offenses against detainees. By then, too, Mr. Rumsfeld's contributions to growing trouble in Iraq were evident: his self-defeating insistence on minimizing the number of troops; his resistance to recognizing and responding to emerging threats, such as the postwar looting and the Sunni insurgency; his rejection of nation-building, which fatally slowed the creation of a new political order. Had Mr. Bush replaced Mr. Rumsfeld in 2004, the administration might have avoided the defense secretary's subsequent and similar mistakes, such as his slowness to acknowledge the emerging threat of Shiite militias and death squads last year."

Amen to that.

Finally, David Byrne - yes, THAT David Byrne - raises an interesting comparison:

"The Armed forces' revolt against the Bush administration proceeds. A whole raft of generals, most of them recently retired, but having served in Iraq, now call for Rummy to step down. Other generals, not named and still serving in Iraq, join the chorus. The military doesn’t dispute the war — that may come later — but its execution, which anyone with eyes can see was not planned, thought out or performed with any competence whatsoever. The Army’s first duty is self-preservation — save the boys — and when they see arrogant incompetents putting the boys in harm’s way unnecessarily, they eventually rebel.

It was Army defections that dethroned Marcos in the Philippines...

I realize that my [anti-military] instincts are unfair. In some places and at some times the military does indeed represent the people and not just the greedy adventuring of those in power. Sometimes the military persist as politicians come and go, are made up of skilled professionals out to do a clear-cut job, and will stand up to the lying politicians and ally themselves with the population. There comes a point where their own professionalism is at stake.

This happened with the People Power movement in the Philippines in the mid 80s, and it threatens to happen now in Iraq. The U.S. military may just bring the Bush-Cheney adventure to a speedier close. The soldiers are being stretched beyond reasonable limits, the troop commanders are being asked to put their men in danger — and for what? They’re approaching their limits. Has there ever been a revolt emerging from within the U.S. military?"

And this from the man who sang "Don't Worry About The Government"!

Monday, April 17

The Backstroke of the West

In prep school, I had a good friend from Hong Kong who used to take orders before major school vacations. For $5, he could get you any video game, movie, or computer program. And he wasn't the only one in the market. In much of Asia - but especially in China - piracy is absolutely rampant. Every town has vendors who can sell you movies as soon as they come out, and software that retails for hundreds of dollars can be had for a mere fraction of their true price. And this brings us to the story of the webmaster of winterson.com - a man who bought a movie from a Chinese pirate retailer and in so doing brought happiness to many people around the globe.

Here's his story, briefly: after viewing Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith at the theater and heartily approving, our hero Jeremy - an English speaker living abroad in China - was offered a DVD of the film by an enterprising Chinaman. ("Dude, I'm pretty sure Chinaman is NOT the preferred nomenclature.") When he got home and popped it in, he found the quality was barely acceptable but that the video came with a wonderful bonus: horrible, horrible translations of the dialogue. Somewhere in the English-to-Chinese-to-English process, things went terribly wrong with hilarious results.

Here is a sampling of what he discovered.

Star Wars Epsiode 3You'd think they could get the translation right when it's there on the screen...

Star Wars Epsiode 3Seems like a joke. But it isn't...

Star Wars Epsiode 3"Let them pass between us."

Star Wars Epsiode 3I don't think R2 does any fucking, actually...

Star Wars Epsiode 3I wasn't scared of Count Dooku until I found out he was a "big".

Star Wars Epsiode 3Luckily, Obi Wan is not afraid of the big!

Star Wars Epsiode 3I can't even begin to fathom how they got to that one.

Star Wars Epsiode 3Nothing like scary dreamses to keep you up at night.

Star Wars Epsiode 3I SAID, send these troopseses ONLY, mothaFUCKA!

Star Wars Epsiode 3Is that sort of like "You had me at hello"?

Star Wars Epsiode 3Apparently in Chinese, "Jedi Council" is synonymous with "Presbyterian Church".

Star Wars Epsiode 3What woman could resist geologic change's strong and big??

Star Wars Epsiode 3"Liar!!!"

Star Wars Epsiode 3Obi Wan, can't you solve your problems yourself?
Why are you always demanding that disabled people solve them for you?

The last one is my favorite. It takes a second to absorb but it's a classic. At the end of the movie, George Lucas gives into to the ultimate and greatest of all movie cliches. When he is told that his beloved Padme has died, the newly roboticized Darth Vader throws out his arms in anguish and cries, "Noooooooooooo!" That is, unless you're watching the Chinese-to-English version. In that case, here's the memorable moment:

Star Wars Epsiode 3

Friday, April 14

Rickey on Rickey

With the baseball season back underway, it's an appropriate time for DCMI to shout out to one of the oldest active baseball players out there, the great base-stealer Rickey Henderson. He's famous for being a member of the legendary (but underperforming and now, apparently, roided-up) championship Oakland A's from the late 80's. He's also bounced around the MLB with a variety of clubs, and currently resides in the independent leagues, but he's still playing. Rickey is best known for referring to himself in the third person and for his long rap sheet of wacky hijinks. With help from the esteemed Sherriff Sully, here now are the top 25 Rickey Henderson comedy moments.

"1) Rickey… on referring to himself in the third person:

“Listen, people are always saying, ‘Rickey says Rickey.’ But it’s been blown way out of proportion. People might catch me, when they know I’m ticked off, saying, ‘Rickey, what the heck are you doing, Rickey?’ They say, ‘Darn, Rickey, what are you saying Rickey for? Why don’t you just say, ‘I?’ But I never did. I always said, ‘Rickey,’ and it became something for people to joke about.”

2) In the early 1980s, the Oakland A’s accounting department was freaking out. The books were off $1 million. After an investigation, it was determined Rickey was the reason why. The GM asked him about a $1 million bonus he had received and Rickey said instead of cashing it, he framed it and hung it on a wall at his house.

3) In 1996, Henderson’s first season with San Diego, he boarded the team bus and was looking for a seat. Steve Finley said, “You have tenure, sit wherever you want.” Henderson looked at Finley and said, “Ten years? Ricky’s been playing at least 16, 17 years.”

4) This one might be my second favorite. This wasn’t too long ago, I think it was the year he ended up playing with the Red Sox. Anyway, he called San Diego GM Kevin Towers and left the following message: “This is Rickey calling on behalf of Rickey. Rickey wants to play baseball.”

5) This one happened in Seattle. Rickey struck out and as the next batter was walking past him, he heard Henderson say, “Don’t worry, Rickey, you’re still the best.”

6) Rickey once asked a teammate how long it would take him to drive to the Dominican Republic.

7) Moments after breaking Lou Brock’s stolen base record, Henderson told the crowd – with Brock mere feet next to him – “Lou Brock was a great base stealer, but today, I am the greatest of all-time.”

8) Henderson once fell asleep on an ice pack and got frostbite – which forced him to miss three games — in mid-August.

9) A reporter asked Henderson if Ken Caminiti’s estimate that 50 percent of Major League players were taking steroids was accurate. His response was, “Well, Rickey’s not one of them, so that’s 49 percent right there.”

10) Henderson broke Ty Cobb’s career record for runs scored with a home run. After taking his usual 45 seconds or so around the bases, Rickey slid into home plate.

11) On being Nolan Ryan’s 5,000th career strikeout: “It gave me no chance. He (Ryan) just blew it by me. But it’s an honor. I’ll have another paragraph in all the baseball books. I’m already in the books three or four times.”

12) San Diego GM Kevin Towers was trying to contact Rickey at a nearby hotel. He knew Henderson always used fake names to avoid the press, fans, etc. He was trying to think like Rickey and after several attempts; he was able to get Henderson on the phone.

Rickey had checked in under Richard Pryor.

Vintage Rickey.

13) I didn’t believe this one at first. However, I emailed a few contacts within the Sox organization and they claim it actually happened. This is priceless, it really is.

The morning after the Sox finished off the sweep against St. Louis last October, Henderson called someone in the organization looking for tickets to Game 6 at Fenway Park.

14) The Mets were staying in a hotel less than a mile from Cinergy Field in Cincinnati. While some players walked, most took the team bus. A few minutes after they arrived — again it was less than a mile – the last players off the bus noticed a stretched limo that had just pulled up.

Of course, Rickey emerged from the back seat.

15) A reporter once asked Rickey if he talked to himself, “Do I talk to myself? No, I just remind myself of what I’m trying to do. You know, I never answer myself so how can I be talking to myself?”

16) OK, I know everyone has been waiting for it. Alas, according to both parties involved, it’s not true. I wish it were. Heck, both Rickey Henderson and John Olerud have said they wish it were true. But it just didn’t happen.

The story went that a few weeks into Henderson’s stint with the Mariners, he walked up to Olerud at the batting cage and asked him why he wore a batting helmet in the field. Olerud explained that he had an aneurysm at nine years old and he wore the helmet for protection. Legend goes that Henderson said, “Yeah, I used to play with a guy that had the same thing.”

Legend also goes that Olerud said, “That was me, Rickey.”

Henderson played with Olerud on the Blue Jays and the Mets.

17) Rickey was asked if he had the Garth Brooks album with Friends in Low Places and Henderson said, “Rickey doesn’t have albums. Rickey has CDs.”

18) During a contract holdout with Oakland in the early 1990s, Henderson said, “If they want to pay me like Mike Gallego, I’ll play like Gallego.”

19) In the late 1980s, the Yankees sent Henderson a six-figure bonus check. After a few months passed, an internal audit revealed the check had not been cashed. Current Yankees GM Brian Cashman – then a low-level nobody with the organization – called Rickey and asked if there was a problem with the check. Henderson said, “I’m just waiting for the money market rates to go up.”

20) In June 1999, when Henderson was playing with the Mets, he saw reporters running around the clubhouse before a game. He asked a teammate what was going on and he was told that Tom Robson, the team’s hitting coach, had just been fired. Henderson said, “Who’s he?”

21) This is my all-time favorite. Rickey was pulled over by a San Diego police officer for speeding. As the officer was approaching Rickey’s car, the window went down a few inches and a folded $100 bill emerged. The officer let Rickey and his money head home without a ticket.

22) When he was on the Yankees in the mid-1980s, Henderson told teammates that his condo had such a great view that he could see, “The Entire State Building.”

23) During one of his stays with Oakland, Henderson’s locker was next to Billy Beane’s. After making the team out of spring training, Beane was sent to the minors after a few months. Upon his return, about six weeks later, Henderson looked at Beane and said, “Hey, man, where have you been? Haven’t seen you in awhile.”

24) To this day and dating back 25 years, before every game he plays, Henderson stands completely naked in front of a full length locker room mirror and says, “Ricky’s the best,” for several minutes.

25) In the last week of his lone season with the Red Sox, Chairman Tom Werner asked Henderson what he would like for his ‘going-away’ gift. Henderson said he wasn’t going anywhere, but he would like owner John Henry’s Mercedes. Werner said it would be tough to get the same make and model in less than a week and Henderson said, “No, I want his car.” Turns out the Sox got Henderson a Red Thunderbird and when he saw it on the field before the last game of the season, Rickey said, “Whose ugly car is on the field?”